‘Rags-To-Riches Mascot Lives On’

‘Breaking: Hank the Dog is alive!!’ “The Milwaukee Brewers just held a press conference to tell the world that Hank the Dog — their beloved unofficial mascot for the past two years — is not, in fact, dead. He wasn’t even mostly dead. He is very much alive.

“This was necessary, we have noted, because the eagle eyes at ‘Brew Crew Ball’ noticed some differences between pictures of the Hank we met in 2014 and more recent pictures of him, in which he appeared to be fluffier and fatter and, well, whiter than he used to look {See below…}. That’s understandable, the Brewers noted today. He’s simply better taken care of and better fed now that he is a Wisconsin Institution than when he was a stray on the streets of West Phoenix.